What is people-pleasing? It is trying to manipulate other's feelings so they like us, so we can feel good about ourselves. It is pretending; it's fear-based. We pretend to be someone we are not. If we are lucky, this other person may like this fake version of us, but now we feel even worse because we know that was unauthentic; the worst part is that from now on, we will have to keep on faking it. We hate ourselves because we think we are not good enough for others to like us just the way we are. We feel resentment because we go to all this length of dishonesty, and by the way, it is freaking tiring, and the other person may still not respond the way we expect them to.
The funny thing is, we people please so others can like us, so we can connect to others, and the opposite happens. We end up not liking ourselves either. We can only pretend for so long. Nobody wants to hang out with someone they don't trust. Did you know you don't need anyone's approval to start liking yourself? Or to know that you are enough? Your feelings are not created by other's actions but by the interpretation you giv
e to their actions. Connection has nothing to do with other people's actions. Connection exists only in your mind. It is created by your thoughts about others, not by their thoughts about you. People feel connected to those they trust, to those that are vulnerable, that are imperfect. So, if you want a deeper connection, start being you and telling the whole truth. If someone asks you to cook dinner for someone in need and you have a lot going on, you don't want to add one more thing to your infinite list. Tell the whole truth. "I am afraid you will think I'm selfish that I don't care about others if I tell you no, but I will have to pass this time." We connect with people when we see the whole person; their weaknesses and strengths, not only their strengths, when we only see their strengths, our conversations stay on the surface, no deeper connection happens. The way to it is first to accept yourself and love you just as you are, the whole you, then show up as your authentic self.