What is Self-Distancing?
Self-distancing is a powerful psychological technique that involves viewing your thoughts, feelings, or experiences from a more objective, third-person perspective. Imagine you’re watching a movie of your life instead of being the main character. This shift in perspective allows you to step back from intense emotions, calm down, and observe them more rationally.
Self-distancing can be incredibly valuable for children and teens who often struggle to manage their emotions. It helps them navigate difficult situations by reducing the emotional intensity, calming down, and thinking more clearly, leading to better decision-making.
Why is Self-Distancing Important?
Children and teens are still developing the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation—the prefrontal cortex. When they’re overwhelmed by strong emotions like anger, fear, or sadness, it can be hard for them to think logically or calmly. Self-distancing provides a way to engage the prefrontal cortex, helping them to better understand and manage their feelings.
Without this tool, children might react impulsively or become overwhelmed by their emotions. Self-distancing offers a way to break the cycle of intense feelings and impulsive reactions, leading to more thoughtful and constructive responses.
How Does Self-Distancing Work?
Self-distancing works by helping the individual take a step back from their immediate emotional experience. Instead of being caught up in the feelings, they observe them as if they were happening to someone else. So, how can we help children and teens calm down and think clearly using self-distancing? Here are some practical ways to introduce self-distancing to your child or teen:
Third-Person Language: Encourage your child to talk about themselves in the third person. For example, instead of saying, “I’m so upset,” they might say, “[Child’s Name] is feeling upset right now.” This simple shift can create emotional distance and help them view the situation more objectively.
Imaginary Friend or Character: Ask your child to think about what advice they would give to a friend or a favorite character in a similar situation. “What would you tell your friend if they were feeling this way?” or “How would [Favorite Character] handle this?” This exercise helps them step outside of their own emotions and consider other perspectives.
Visualize a Movie or Story: Invite your child to imagine that they’re watching a movie of their life. What would the main character do next? How would they solve the problem? This visualization can make it easier for them to detach from the emotional intensity and think more clearly about their next steps
Benefits of Teaching Self-Distancing
Teaching children and teens to use self-distancing has several benefits:
Reduced Anxiety: By stepping back from their immediate emotional responses, children can reduce anxiety and stress. It helps them see that their feelings are temporary and manageable.
Better Problem-Solving: When emotions are less intense, children can engage in more effective problem-solving. They’re able to think through their options and choose a constructive response.
Improved Relationships: Self-distancing can help children respond to conflicts with less negativity, which can improve their relationships with peers, siblings, and parents.
Increased Emotional Resilience: Over time, using self-distancing can help children develop greater emotional resilience. They learn that they have the power to manage their emotions and respond thoughtfully, even in difficult situations.
Real-Life Example: Using Self-Distancing with a Teen
Imagine your teenager comes home upset after a fight with a friend. They might say, “I’m never speaking to them again! They’re so mean!” At this moment, their emotions are intense, and they might feel overwhelmed. First, self-regulation techniques should be used to ensure they are regulated enough to use the thinking part of their brain, the frontal cortex. Find self-regulation and co-regulation techniques HERE.
Then, you could suggest, “What would you say if you were watching a movie about this situation? What advice would you give the main character?” By imagining the situation as a movie, your teen can take a step back and think about it more objectively. They might realize that the fight was just one moment in their friendship and that things can be resolved.
Final Thoughts
Self-distancing is a simple yet effective tool that can make a big difference in how children and teens manage their emotions. By teaching them this technique, you’re giving them a lifelong skill that can help them navigate the ups and downs of life with greater ease and resilience.
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